THE LEGEND OF ZORRO (2005)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

Given the popularity of 1998's MASK OF ZORRO, I'm surprised it took Hollywood seven years to come out with a sequel. And maybe the producers weren't entirely sure the franchise had legs, for the budget was about $30 million less. Would LEGEND have made better box office with a bigger budget? Probably not, for though the script left things open for a second sequel, there are also strong indications of hedging bets with a potential wrap-up.

In my review of MASK I observed that it was in the tradition of many latter-day films that built on the mythos of Classic Zorro. However, it may be significant that few if any of these Latter Zorros proved capable of sustaining an ongoing series.  Before the two-film series of MASK and ZORRO, there had been a few times when some company made a couple of Zorros back-to-back, as with this pair of Euro-Zorros. To my knowledge, any time a company wanted to come out with a series of many episodes-- a comic book, a TV show-- the makers defaulted back to the Spanish California setting.

MASK paid all due reverence to Classic Zorro by having a Diego de la Vega (Anthony Hopkins) train the younger Alejandro (Antonio Banderas) in the art of foxy-swashbuckling. However, the script for LEGEND-- written by two new writers-- omits any reference to Diego. Given that MASK ended with the character finally re-united with his grown daughter Elena, it would have been appropriate to at least mention if Diego had died or moved to Spain in the nine years between MASK and LEGEND. 

By this year of 1850, California is about to join the United States the married couple Alejandro and Elena (Catherine Zeta-Jones) have remained the only ones who know of Alejandro's double identity, and not even their young son Joaquin is aware of his father's true nature. But Elena does not like her husband's costumed excursions, and this seems to be the start of deeper issues, for a day or so after Alejandro's last escapade, Elena sues him for divorce. Elena's real reason for so doing are connected to her being blackmailed by ruthless American agents who want her free to spy upon the Spanish don Count Armand (Rufus Sewell). 

Alejandro, who knows nothing of the pressures upon Elena, is by turns confused by Elena's rejections and heartily jealous of the upper-class Spaniard Armand (thus reiterating the class-conflict aspect of the first film). As a way of striking back at his competition, Zorro begins investigating the activities of Armand's men, one of whom, a bigoted white guy, the hero has had previous dealing with. Zorro learns what Elena was charged to learn: that Armand plans to conspire with an early version of the Southern Confederacy in order to overthrow the American government.

Director Martin Campbell returns to boost the weak script with a fair quantity of athletic fight-scenes, and this time Elena, who had just one sword-battle in MASK, has four well-executed fight-scenes that don't treat her as if she were a guy in a dress. But the plot itself is nonsensically unworkable (involving soap-bars made of nitroglycerin), and the distortions of history are unnecessary. I can forgive the movie claiming that California statehood took place two years earlier than in the real world: the date may've been moved just so that Young Joaquin could be about nine years old. I can even understand the filmmakers not wanting to reference the unsavory conditions of the Mexican-American War, which was the proximate cause of California's annexation by the U.S. But why bring the Confederate States of America into the matter, eleven years before the CSA existed? Is it that the scripters thought that no one in the audience would remember dates that well? The CSA wasn't even strictly necessary to the plot, since Armand is tied to a generations-old secret society that wants to cripple American power. But I suppose even in 2005 the practice of virtue signaling was beginning to become a major Hollywood strategy.

Though the audience is supposed to resent it when a villain says that Alejandro's "Zorro 2.0" is past his shelf date, the script suggests that Zorro does not belong in the world of the late 19th century. Given that LEGEND is about half as entertaining as MASK, this was definitely a good place to end this short-lived franchise.

THE FIFTH ELEMENT (1997)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *good*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical, psychological*

I praised Luc Besson's adaptation of the VALERIAN comic album for its emulation of the comic's "protean visual creativity," but in truth Besson had already gone that route in 1997's THE FIFTH ELEMENT, which had its origins in a story Besson began at age 16. But whereas VALERIAN was largely focused on the many forms that organic creation could take, ELEMENT is dedicated to the intertwined forces of creation and destruction. And, unlike VALERIAN, it includes a very good romantic arc.

The characters inhabit your standard multi-planetary space-opera cosmos,  implicitly evolved from a spacefaring culture based on Earth, though an assortment of aliens have become regular citizens of this galactic empire. The order of the cosmos is threatened with an apocalyptic threat, a "great evil" which Besson barely bothers to define. (It turns to be a careening dead planet aimed at Earth, which might be either a conscious or subconscious emulation of the FLASH GORDON comic strip, which was one of the grandfathers of space opera in pop culture.) 

Benevolent aliens hide four stones that can be used to save the Earth from the great evil. Though this maneuver keeps the stones safe from servants of the evil, so much time passes that no one else knows where to find them either, except for a priest named Vito Cornelius (Ian Holm). However, an Earth-ship chances across a sarcophagus containing the remains of "the fifth element," a female warrior designed by the good aliens to interact with the four element-themed stones to rescue the cosmos. Though the warrior is long dead, Earth scientists, apparently motivated only by curiosity, use biotechnology to create a new version of the warrior. Thus is born Leeloo (Milla Jovovich), who does not speak English and flees the scientific compound. She takes refuge in the flying taxicab of ex-soldier Korben Dallas (Bruce Willis), and he ends up linking Leeloo up with Vito, the only person with true knowledge of the cosmic threat. However, this linkage isn't nearly as important to the film as the one between Leeloo and Dallas, who's established as a guy looking for love but saddled with a nagging, needy mother. If Dallas didn't mention having been thrown over by his last girlfriend, he'd sound like a nerd.

It's not worth recounting the many incidents by which Leeloo, Dallas and Vito become united in their quest to save Earth, or how they're opposed by nasty munitions-maker Zorg (Gary Oldman) and his bad-alien goons. All said incidents, even the minor ones, are organized by Besson as a visual assault on the audience, full of eye-popping primary colors and bizarre weapons (many of which look cobbled together from diverse parts, like the sort of weapons one might see in an old movie serial.) Willis' Dallas is like Humphrey Bogart's laconic Sam Spade trying to navigate his way through the panoplies of the Ziegfeld Follies, symbolized by the flamboyant, mouthy comic relief Ruby Rhod (Chris Tucker). But unlike a lot of eye-candy in Hollywood films, this visual panache represents the efforts of millions of humans who like Dallas are "looking for love," or at least sex whereby to perpetuate their species. This is the ordered cosmos, which Leeloo was designed to defend, even though she was not explicitly designed for "love."

Zorg is the opposite of innocent Leeloo. He not only makes all of his riches off munitions, he depends upon mechanisms rather than people for his support. (A funny scene between Zorg and Vito illustrates the folly of this attitude, but Zorg learns nothing from the teaching.) Though he and Leeloo have only one scene together, he represents the human passion for destruction, and as Leeloo learns more about that proclivity, she questions whether the world deserves to be saved.

Holm, Oldman and Tucker all supply fine work in their support-roles, but the film succeeds by virtue of the chemistry between Willis and Jovovich. Leeloo is not a standard adventure-heroine, though she shows off her martial skills in a bravura fight-scene that counterpoints her space-opera violence with the performance of a futuristic opera-singer. Leeloo is, as an exchange between her and Dallas makes clear, both "valiant" and "vulnerable," and their romantic union is as much responsible for the universe's survival as the power of the four elements.

ADDENDUM: Some days after writing this review I read, for the first time, two volumes of VALERIAN which comprised a single two-part story, published in 1980 and 1981 and translated in Volume 4 of Cinebook's VALERIAN: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION. In this continuity, some alien freebooters steal four sacred boxes based on the traditional four elements of Earth folklore. This reckless action unleashes element-based monsters on 1980s Earth, causing spatio-temporal agents Valerian and Laureline to get involved. Besson certainly might have incorporated the "element weapons" trope into his narrative, but nothing else in FIFTH ELEMENT resembles the story in these particular narratives by the French comics-creators. Indeed, the theme of heroism in FIFTH ELEMENT is one that isn't often echoed in the rambling, quasi-picaresque tales of the VALERIAN universe. Besson's main point of commonality with Christin and Mezeries is their mutual love of the aforementioned visual creativitiy.

THE LADY HERMIT (1971)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *psychological*

Shaw Brothers’ LADY HERMIT is a well-photographed “female diva” chopsocky, offering viewers two divas for the price of one. Cheng Pei Pei, famous for having starred in COME DRINK WITH ME, the first “diva-film” of the classic era, plays Yushuan, the “mentor figure” to younger diva Cuiping (Shi Szu), though the latter was only eight years junior to Cheng.

HERMIT also feels a bit like the kung fu version of a superhero story. Aspiring heroine Cuiping comes to town looking for the legendary Lady Hermit, famed for running around in a veiled outfit as she uses her sword-skills against evil, though the veiled heroine has been absent for three years. Cuiping doesn’t know that the Hermit suffered an enduring injury at the hands of her enemy Black Demon. Because of that injury, the heroine’s been forced to take a mundane job while healing, and in that status Yushuan meets her would-be student..

While Yushuan is under cover, Black Demon’s thugs run a protection racket, pretending to be ghosts who will murder people who don’t buy Taoist charms at a high price. Cuiping fights some of the thugs, forcing Yushuan to come out of hiding and to reassume her superheroic role. In the process, Cuiping learns Yushuan’s identity, and eventually persuades her senior to be her “sifu.” Unfortunately, during their residence in the same town, the two women fall in love with the same man, Changsun (Lo Lieh), which makes for trouble between student and teacher. However, all three fighters join together to oppose Black Demon, who, in addition to a wealth of henchmen, possesses claw-like fingers (possibly artificial) and still knows the same “special move” that injured Yushuan earlier.

This is a classy kung-fu production, lacking the overheated absurdities often associated with the genre. That said, its psychological motifs and its fight-scenes rate as no more than fair at best.

REVAMPED (2007)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical*

I have no idea how Jeff Rector, the star/director/writer of this vampire comedy, contrived to cast so many familiar faces in REVAMPED. I fantasize, however, that he invited them all to a big soiree, revealed his plans for a vampire flick, and did an Oprah: "And YOU get a role! And YOU get a role..."

Possibly Rector thought the film would do better in video rentals/sales the more actors, "name" and otherwise, were in the film, and for that reason he took what starts as a simple notion and then let it get completely out of control. In essence, only about three characters have any definable arcs:

Businessman Richard Clarke (Rector), contemplates suicide after learning of his wife's infidelity. However, he sees a vampire ad on TV, offering surcease from sorrow if the customer agrees to become one of the undead. Clarke accepts, becomes a vamp, and then gets embroiled in vamp politics.

Driven Jake Hardcastle (Sam J. Jones) wants to kill every bloodsucker in existence. Years ago some unknown vampire turned Hardcastle's wife and teen-aged daughter into undead minions. They tried to kill him, forcing the aggrieved cop to kill them instead.

Fanatic Vladimus (Billy Drago), who wants to read a mystic ritual and sacrifice a virgin so that Bad Stuff Will Happen.

Instead of writing a simple formula tale that pitted these three principals against one another, with only incidental involvement by support-cast, Rector's script wastes a lot of time building up support-cast people who really have little impact on the basic story. I don't KNOW that he did this to include more name actors, but most of the rest of the performers have next to nothing to do beyond burning up running-time. Fred Williamson, Anne Lockhart, Martin Kove, Tane McClure, Reggie Bannister, Vernon Wells-- I'm sure none of them minded the paychecks. But I bet any viewers felt cheated when they saw all these familiar faces playing utterly dispensable roles.

Clarke, like other characters, gets a few action-scenes, though nothing all that demanding, so I guess REVAMPED counts as a combative comedy, though it's barely ever funny. The oddest throwaway scene comes with Anne Lockhart. In real life she's almost seventy years old, but she's been made up to look much younger. She's presented as a character who might have the hots for Clarke, but all she ends up doing in the confused story is betraying the "good vamps" to the "bad vamps." Then her character is unceremoniously slain by a bad vamp, with the odd assertion, "No one over thirty joins our pack," or words to that effect. It's certainly "funny strange," but-- not "funny ha ha."

THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN (1983)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *metaphysical, sociological*

Online reviews have informed me that there are two English-language versions of this Italian Conan ripoff. Fortunately, I did not re-view GUNAN KING OF THE BARBARIANS, which cuts out not only cuts out the nudity but also the explanatory prologue, but one entitled THE INVINCIBLE BARBARIAN, so that at least I saw all the madness unleashed by director Francesco Prosperi and writer Piero (PLAYGIRLS AND THE VAMPIRE) Regnoli.

Other reviews also bag on INVINCIBLE as one of the worst of its genre. I might have agreed had I not just re-viewed THE BLADE MASTER, which is far more incoherent. Regnoli's script is a lot like the ones used for Luigi Cozzi's two Hercules films, in which the writer threw out a motley crew of myth-ideas with no attempt to make them cohere. 

The narrator of the prologue unreels a lot of New Age-sounding gobbledygook about the mystical destiny of mankind within what one assumes is some pre-historical version of archaic Earth. The essential point is that the mystical elders beyond the stars are going to send a Star Child who will be born among rude mortals and grow to destroy evil. 

So far, so mythic. However, the prophecy of the Star Child seems problematic. The hero who's born, destined to be named "Zukahn" (in this translation), isn't out to defeat some world-devouring serpent or any similar cosmic threat; he's just fated to destroy Nuriak, who leads a band of nasty raiders, the Hungats, who prey upon the villages. (Nothing more organized than a village is ever seen.) I have to say, if I was going to make sure a Star Child was being born to a tribe of rude mortals, I'd want him to do something more momentous by half.

On top of that, the prophecy is so well known that bandit-king Nuriak decides to do something about it. Regnoli's sequence of events is very confused, but the order of events seems to be that after the woman destined to bear the Star Child is impregnated by her husband, Nuriak manages to get his licks in too. How does he do it without being caught? The old Pendragon shuffle? No telling. But he must have done his business pretty close to the husband's, since in theory that's the only way a female womb can be inseminated twice.

In what may the film's looniest moments, the Elders Above get all pissed by the fact that the mother bears two non-identical twins, because this confuses the order as to who's going to get the sacred name Zukahn, a magic sword, and all that stuff. The Elders withhold their blessing and some bad weather ensues. Then Nuriak decides he doesn't think poisoning the well will prevent his being killed by one of the twins, so his Hungats raid the village and kill everyone. However, the twins are saved and raised in a village of magic-using Amazons, the Kunyats.

Because Kunyat seer Marga understands the reason for the Elders' wrath, the Amazons don't give a name to either of the twins, until one of them can prove he deserves to be Zukahn. So the two boys, Nameless One and Nameless Two, grow up in a fierce and unloving rivalry. When they're old enough to be played by adult actors, they have a big fight, and the handsome, muscular brother (Peter McCoy, as the Italian actor is billed) wins and gets called Zukahn from then on. Nameless Two runs off into the wilds and chances upon the raiders of Nuriak. One might expect that the renegade son might make common cause with the main villain. Instead Nameless Two makes the mistake of claiming that he's Zukahn, so Nuriak cuts his head off. (It's not clear whether or not Nameless Two is the real seed of Nuriak or not, though that would be the expectation, since neither or them is handsome or muscular.)

The real Zukahn finds out about his brother's death, and for some reason this makes him furious, even though there's no evidence the two brothers cared anything for each other. Zukahn tries to attack Nuriak but he's wounded by a raider-arrow and the hero has to crawl back to the Amazons for aid.

While recovering Zukahn makes a brand-new discovery about his adoptive tribe. Since the Amazons don't have husbands as such, they capture breed-worthy girls from other tribes, force them into relations with male captives, and keep the girl babies for the tribe, presumably dumping the males of the litter. Zukahn finds out this news-flash only because he takes a shine to Lenni (Sabrina Siani), one of the new captives, and wants to enter into regular connubial relations with her. This pisses off Marga, who's had a yen for Zukahn for some time. After various other adventures-- including a scene in which Zukahn duels an Amazon and loses-- Marga sends Lenni to Nuriak, so that Zukahn will follow his beloved and get killed. Then apparently Marga changes her mind and leads a bunch of Amazons to the rescue. The Kunyats kill all the Hungats and Zukahn, despite having been told that he's Nuriak's child (really?), slays the bandit chief with his not very miraculous magic sword. Order is restored to the universe and the narrator tells us that someday the sword will be known as Excalibur.

BARBARIAN might have been as fun as the Cozzi HERCULES films if there had been some half decent production values here, but this is so malnourished that even the fight scenes are dull and phlegmatic. The only "special effect" worth mentioning are a few prolonged shots of Sabrina Siani's nude body. "Peter McCoy" does the hero thing adequately, but the lack of good fight-choreography ruins what little potential the script had.

TARZAN OF THE APES (1918)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *good*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *psychological, sociological*

The very first Tarzan film, starring Elmo Lincoln as the ape man, adapted roughly the first half of Burroughs' book, while a second film, THE ROMANCE OF TARZAN, adapted the other half, or at least something approximating that narrative. ROMANCE so far remains a lost film, but fortunately the first TARZAN stands on its own mythic appeal, despite a few loose ends that presumably would have been clarified by the sequel.

As in the novel, Lord Greystoke and his pregnant wife Lady Greystoke are traveling to Africa when mutineers take over the ship. A well-meaning crewman named Binns (George B. French) persuades the other sailors to strand the English lord and lady on a desolate stretch of the African coast. Lord Greystoke manages to deliver his son but both of the newborn's parents are killed by the hostile apes of the region. Kala, a female ape who has lost her own child, succors the infant aristocrat and raises him as one of her own. Eventually, despite being smaller and weaker than most of his "brethren," the man-child Tarzan eventually becomes "lord" of the other apes and of this corner of the jungle, where he not infrequently comes into conflict with the local Black natives.

Unlike many adaptations of the novel, APES does spend a fair amount of time with Tarzan in childhood, though only at the age of ten, where he's played by one Gordon Griffith. Ten-year-old Tarzan stumbles across the cabin built by his late father and becomes fascinated with the human artifacts. However, in contrast to Burroughs' story, the young ape-man does not teach himself to read the books in the cabin by an unlikely process of deduction.

Instead, Young Tarzan gets introduced to human culture by Binns, the man who saved Tarzan's parents and thus made Tarzan's survival possible. Following the mutiny, Binns gets caught by Arab slavers, and only escapes his captors at the time Tarzan turns ten. The altruistic sailor seeks out the coastline where the castaways were abandoned, and upon meeting the boy, he pieces together what must have happened. Binns stays in Tarzan's company long enough to teach the ape-boy language. Then he leaves, planning to seek out Young Greystoke's family in England while the boy remains with the apes.

I forget what keeps Binns busy for roughly the next ten years, but by the time he does reach England, the boy has grown into a brawny male Tarzan (Elmo Lincoln). Though Binns is never seen again, he apparently convinces the heir to the peerage, William Clayton, to investigate the claim that the true Lord Greystoke still lives. Along with William comes the young American woman he's been courting, Jane Porter (Enid Markey), as well as Jane's father and her maid. In the book, Jane's party comes to Africa in total ignorance of Tarzan's existence.

During the interim Tarzan's mother Kala has been slain by one of the natives, causing even more strife between Tarzan and the Blacks. Tarzan spies Jane from afar and falls in love, though he doesn't stalk her quite as much as he did in the book.

In Burroughs, one of the great apes, not able to get busy with any female apes, abducts Jane from her camp, and she's rescued by Tarzan, after which the primeval man courts the civilized woman. The movie keeps the skeleton of this arrangement, but, perhaps wisely, chose to have a lustful native carry Jane away for a fate worse than death. I'm sure some viewers will assume that the filmmakers meant to equate Black men and apes. I just think it was easier for them to use a Black guy than a man in an ape costume.

The fight between the two big guys, White and Black, is the film's highlight, even though the finish is inadequately filmed and cutaways to Enid Markey screaming spoil the fight's continuity. Tarzan wins, of course, and Enid/Jane becomes a little less histrionic for the romance portion of the story. The plighting of their troth serves as the end of the film, though presumably the sequel would have found new complications to keep them apart, as the books did.

Silent-film director Scott Sidney handles things in an efficient if pedestrian manner. He also directed Lincoln in a 15-chapter serial, THE ADVENTURES OF TARZAN, of which ten chapters survive. Lincoln suggests a stolid nobility but does not project as much charm in the role as his successor Frank Merrill did in TARZAN THE TIGER, to say nothing of being able to touch the hem of Weismuller's leotard. But it's pleasing that the first TARZAN does a better than average job of telling the hero's unique origin story.

HONOR ROLL #196

 ELMO LINCOLN remains the granddaddy of all jungle swingers.

It's no coincidence that the name for PETER MCCOY's character sounds like "goon."

No rectitude in this role by JEFF RECTOR.

SHIH SZU may be a hermit, but at least she's not crabby about it.

CHRIS TUCKER's contributions to adventure-film with the "Rush Hour" series don't belong here, so I give him props through his comedy-relief role in "Fifth Element."

That girl with three names, CATHERINE ZETA JONES, gets more fights in her final Zorro outing.

THE MASK OF ZORRO (1998)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *uncanny*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

I only have one problem with MASK OF ZORRO: a statement on a DVD extra to the effect that this is the "definitive" Zorro movie. MASK, adroitly directed by Martin Campbell right after his success on GOLDENEYE, may well be one of the five best Zorro films ever made, though that's not exactly an elite class, given the paucity of really good efforts. But there's no way that the definitive Zorro could be about anything but the original career of Don Diego de la Vega.

One can certainly claim that MASK is the best rebranding, though. For some reason, even though some franchise characters keep the exact same identities no matter how much time passes-- I'm thinking here of The Phantom, who had a rationale by which New Coke versions of the hero could have continually replaced the old versions-- there actually have been a fair number of derivative Zorros, starting out with 1925's DON Q SON OF ZORRO and proceeding on through late entries like 1949's GHOST OF ZORRO.

So in 1821, Don Diego (Anthony Hopkins) attempts to retire from his costumed role, having so embarrassed the regime of Don Rafael (Stuart Wilson) that the latter has been recalled to Spain, at the same time that Spain has ceded California to Mexico. Rafael though manages to expose Diego as Zorro, and as a result of his actions, Diego is consigned to prison, his wife is accidentally slain, and his daughter Elena is kidnapped by Rafael, who for sheer spite raises the child to think she's Rafeal's offspring.

Twenty years later, Diego gets free but deems himself too old to seek vengeance. He encounters Alejandro Murrieta (Antonio Banderas), a bandit whose brother Joaquin was callously slain by Captain Love (Matt Letscher), who later becomes bonded to Don Rafael when the latter returns to California. Diego decides to mold the young, vengeance-motivated into a New Zorro. Yet Diego wants more than just revenge. He wants to find out Rafael's endgame, the reason he's returned to California to court the local dons. Further, the former governor brings with him the grown Elena (Catherine Zeta Jones), and naturally Diego hopes to acquaint his daughter with her true parentage.

New Zorro makes his first appearance, throwing throw the fear of The Fox into Rafael by outfighting twenty soldiers in a bravura action-scene. But Diego can only learn Rafael's plans by infiltrating the aristocratic world of the California dons, and so Former Zorro uses his knowledge of Spanish aristocracy to create a false persona for Alejandro, so that he can better spy on the main villain. This Alejandro accomplishes, though the main reason for the double identity is so that Elena can feel ambivalence toward both handsome but effete Alejandro and the dashing mystery-man Zorro. 

Elena is, to be sure, a Zorro-girlfriend for a post-feminist era. Instead of just mooning over both men, she catches Zorro stealing Rafael's secret plans and attempts to defend her "father" by swordfighting the masked bandit. Since she gives a good account of herself, there's no shame in Zorro's light-hearted victory, not least because the viewer knows they're made for each other. Oh, and yes, she eventually finds out her true parentage.

The secret plan, by the way, is pretty clever for an adventure-film designed as a summer blockbuster, and since it involves the rich exploiting the poor, it provides a fine sociological myth for New Zorro. Whereas the original prose hero was a young Spanish grandee seeking to bring other, more sinful aristocrats into line, Alejandro is a lower-class guy seeking to "fight the power." But by the time the movie's over, he's absorbed all the refined qualities of Diego, making him as close to the original as a rebranding can get.

Incidentally, I didn't initially know why the writers gave the hero's dead brother the same name as the legendary, maybe-not-purely-historical bandit Joaquin Murrieta. I subsequently learned that some pundits believe that the dime novel relating Murrieta's criminal career might have influenced Johnson McCulley's original pulp tale. This sounds like unsupported speculation to me, but I suppose the story lends an extra level to the mythology of the pre-eminent masked swashbuckler.

DRAGONBALL Z: DEAD ZONE (1989)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical*

Though I've watched the many adaptations of the DRAGONBALL franchise since they became available in the U.S., this is my first review of any of the stories of Son Goku, de facto guardian of the seven Dragonballs, which when assembled can grant the power of one wish to anyone-- including numerous unscrupulous individuals.

Sadly, DEAD ZONE is one of the most boring "balls" I've ever seen. As anyone can read on Wiki, ZONE has the distinction of being the first animated movie with the "Dragonball Z" tag, and with being roughly integrated into the continuity of the ongoing TV series. The unscrupulous individual this time is Garlic Jr., son of a villain who had appeared in both the comics and the cartoon, unlike Junior. Like his old man Garlic Jr is willing to do scurrilous things to get the Dragonballs, including kidnapping Gohan, son of Goku and his wife Chi Chi. Goku seeks out the villain, as does one of his rivals, alien martial artist Piccolo, who will later become a family friend but at this point is still prickly toward Goku, who defeated Piccolo in a tournament.

The last bit is about all the characterization you get, and this is unusual, because DRAGONBALL in all its incarnations has a big cast of characters who often interact in interesting ways. The narrative is dominated by fight scenes, but neither Garlic Jr nor his henchmen prove to be more than make-work adversaries, so even the franchise's combative source of appeal is short-changed here. I'll note in passing that any DRAGONBALL item I review will fit into the metaphysical category, because of all the stuff about magical dragons granting wishes, though technically the stories take place in a futuristic sci-fi matrix. 

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *comedy*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical*

In the world of VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT, everyone in Hong Kong knows that (1) vampires exist, and (2) there are official departments to exterminate the vamps and minimize the damage they cause.

College student Tim Chau (Babyjohn Choi) has no involvement with the "vampire cleanup department," though his parents were part of the VCD. Both were infected by vampirism and voluntarily slew themselves rather than becoming monsters; however, Tim's mother was pregnant with him, and before she died he was delivered, an apparently normal male infant.

Through a series of events the VCD learns that Tim has a side-benefit of his parents' infection: he gets bitten by a vamp but his blood gives him immunity to vampirism (which is treated as something affected both by modern medicine and Chinese exorcism beliefs). The reluctant young man is inducted into the VCD and is taught to use magical sigils and swordplay, with the sole goal of destroying vampire bodies and sending their souls on to the next life.

But during field training Tim accidentally has a lip-lock encounter with a young female vampire (Lin Min-chen), whom he names Summer. Summer, who initially seems zombie-like and incapable of affect, nevertheless follows Tim home like a lost dog, and he conceals her continued existence from the other members of the VCD. Slowly Summer begins to take on imperfect human traits and a romantic bond of sorts forms between the two of them.

There are a handful of fight-scenes throughout VCD, but the moments of comedy and romance are paramount, and in comparison to some HK comedy-romance of my acquaintance they're very well done. Tim's vampire slaying remains reluctant but it does indicate some filial feeling toward his lost parents, as well as loyalty to the living. Summer has only two brief moments in which she utilizes her vampire-powers to fight vamps menacing Tim, and there's only one major vampire threat in the movie. The romance is at once doomed but given a second chance of sorts, and though it's a familiar compromise audiences should welcome the satisfying denouement.

UNDISCOVERED TOMB (2002)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *sociological*

My first statement is that by its title alone, UNDISCOVERED TOMB-- which I viewed only in an English dub-- suggests that the movie spun out of nothing but an attempt to imitate the franchise LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER. Since I've never played video games, my next statement could be out of line-- but I think TOMB may be the first movie to be based on a video game that's less complex than the average video game.

My impression is that even fighting-games have to weave a few threads of story together for the gamer to play off of. I guess TOMB does give a little setup with its non-fighting characters, archaeologist Ivy (Yoko Shimada) and philanthropist Michael (Ken Wong), who seek out hidden treasures to protect them from a greedy paramilitary group, the Wild Wolves.

However, the English dub gives us the main star (Marsha Yuen) and her comic sidekick (Miyuki Koinuma)-- saddled with the careless English names "Georgia" and "Mandy"-- and no one ever knows just what their motives are for trekking around, treasure-hunting. It isn't even established that they're looking for a Chinese tomb fitted with terracotta warriors, though that's the discovery they kinda-sorta stumble onto.

TOMB is also a film where nearly every name character knows kung fu, including the two girls' guide and a suspicious fellow who joins their party. Is he an ally of the Wild Wolves? Apparently, but though Georgia (the serious one) uncovers his duplicity, there's never a confrontation moment; just another set of fights. When Georgia and Mandy (the funny one) aren't battling gun-toting Wild Wolves, they're fighting sacrifice-minded natives, some of whom dress up in bush-camouflage. And for a finale, a near invulnerable terracotta warrior comes to life and fights everyone in sight, until Georgia comes up with a means to defeat the stone sentinel.

TOMB has nothing to recommend it but the fights, but not only are they plentiful, they're also well choreographed, and Marsha Yuen puts a lot of charisma into a nothing character. I'll have to keep a look out for a Yuen role in which she gets a role worthy of her non-fighting talents.

SINBAD: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS (2003)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *metaphysical, psychological*

Dreamworks has made a few really strong animated films and a lot of average works, but SINBAD: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS must be their most schizophrenic. On one hand, Brad Pitt purportedly wanted to do a cartoon-film that his younger relatives could watch, and there's a lot of stuff in SINBAD aimed at a juvenile crowd. On the other hand, writer John Logan stated that his first draft script was "very complex, the relationships were very adult. It was too intense in terms of the drama for the audience that this movie was aimed at." I assume Logan tried to modify that draft to make it more kid-friendly, but he only did so by compromising the characters.

The overarching threat in SINBAD stems from the goddess Eris (voiced by Michelle Pfeiffer and named for an obscure Greek deity). She wants to foment war by depriving the city of  Syracuse of its cherished talisman, "the Book of Peace," though I was never clear as to what power this tome possessed. As for motive, well, Eris just likes messing with mortals. This sounds like this capriciousness might make Eris seem more formidable, but in fact it allows Logan to make her as inconsistent as he pleases.

Sinbad (Pitt) is one of those jaunty pirates who never kills anyone, and he somehow learns that the Book is on its way to Syracuse from some other place. He decides to have his crew intercept the ship and steal the Book for ransom. The pirates successfully waylay the transport vessel (again, without killing anyone), but there's a catch: one of the guardians of the Book is Sinbad's former friend Proteus, Prince of Syracuse. Proteus tries to persuade Sinbad to give up his evil ways, but Sinbad isn't having it. A sea monster attacks the pirate ship, and Proteus' vessel escapes with the Book while Sinbad falls into the drink. He's saved from death by Eris, who wants Sinbad to go to Syracuse and steal the Book for her, for the aforesaid vague reasons.

Sinbad does go to Syracuse but when he beholds Proteus's fiancee Marina (Catherine Zeta-Jones), he loses his resolve and leaves. Annoyed, Eris does the deed disguised as the pirate, framing him for the crime. Proteus believes Sinbad's claim of innocence, but no one else does. In order for Sinbad to regain the missing tome, Proteus swears to stand in for the accused, suffering execution if Sinbad does not return. Marina forces her way on board Sinbad's ship, ostensibly to protect Proteus but maybe more to learn more of the roguish buccaneer. Sinbad, Marina and the unremarkable crewmen then brave assorted hazards from Eris until reaching a fairly contrived climax.

SINBAD is very formulaic, but boasts one very strong action-sequence, when Eris sends mesmerizing Sirens to incapacitate the male pirates. Marina hears the siren-song but she doesn't swing that way, so she manages to save the ship from destruction. But most of the rest of the film is pedestrian.

The character of Sinbad comes unraveled when he reveals to Marina the reason he broke off his years-old friendship with Proteus and turned pirate. It happened when he saw Marina come to Syracuse ten years earlier, which is when Marina became loosely engaged to Proteus (though they're still not even officially a couple ten years later). Sinbad fell for Marina and then simply left Syracuse-- a ridiculous motive that even an older child would see through. 

I don't know what "adult" story Logan might have had in mind. But one possible scenario might be that Sinbad and Marina actually had some affair without Proteus' knowledge, and that Sinbad left over the shame of betraying a friend. In any case, the film wants to have things both ways: Sinbad is an unscrupulous rogue, but he's also a sentimental softie at heart. Even in scenes that don't involve Marina, his character is even more changeable than that of the chaos-goddess. And so the movie has no real heart, and is only slightly diverting at best.

AGENT FOR HARM (1966)

 

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological*

After I've bagged on many of the Eurospy flicks, I suppose I should be just as harsh on this American-made low-budget double-o-ripoff. And I did bag on at least one such U.S. agent, dissing A MAN CALLED DAGGER pretty thoroughly. However, as it happens, I rather like AGENT FOR HARM despite its many shortcomings.

One shortcoming is in the name of his organization, whose acronym I won't trouble to detail, and which sounds fatuous on the face of things. In addition, HARM was originally budgeted as a television pilot, and then reworked into a one-shot feature film, and the actor playing main hero Adam Chance, Peter Mark Richman, was rather bland. 

Nevertheless, despite a paucity of location work, director Gerd Oswald keeps things looking like SOMETHING interesting is going on, and not only when there are gorgeous women on camera. Eschewing the usual death-ray, this time all the spies are chasing around a gun that shoot alien spores, which in turn can devolve human beings into gooey globs. Despite that sci-fi angle, Chance runs around fighting enemy spies with mostly ordinary weapons. His villains include familiar faces like Martin Kosleck and Robert Quarry, and though there's not a great main villain, these secondary figures add a little extra pizzazz.

There are also some cute goofup-lines, such as when Chance tells a female agent, who's just flipped him, to "meet him on the judo range." 

It's not exactly good, but it's at least a decent timewaster.

HONOR ROLL #195

 PETER MARK RICHMAN found himself in H.A.R.M.'s way.

I call this hero SINBAD-D to denote his origins as a Dreamworks project, though I can think of other reason he could be a "D."

MARSHA YUEN was so busy raiding tombs, she couldn't be bothered to give herself an origin story.

One human and one monster, played by BABYJOHN CHOI and LIN MIN-CHEN, make their film into a "rom-mon-com" (romantic monster-comedy).

GARLIC JR is probably the least memorable DRAGONBALL character ever to name himself after a foodstuff.

Some may like "Zorro 2.0," but I esteem ANTHONY HOPKINS as the newest (albeit also the oldest) version of Classic Zorro.

TMNT (2007)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *psychological*

I don't know why it took over ten years for Hollywood to attempt another Mutant Turtles film, even if the last in the live-action series did not perform well. In fairness, though, back in the nineties there was little evidence that any superhero franchise could have "legs" beyond three or four films. After all, both the eighties SUPERMAN series and the nineties BATMAN series flamed out with a dismal fourth flick.

TMNT made decent box-office, though, and part of its charm is that animation of any kind will always be more efficacious than live-action as far as depicting high-octane superhero thrills. But the other part of the movie's charm is that it got the Turtles, however briefly, out of their pizza-munching comfort zone.

The plot discretely hops over the events of Movie Three and addresses what happened to the teenage terrapins after their nemesis Shredder dies at the end of Movie Two. Writer-director Kevin Munroe gets maximum benefit out of seeing the four happy dudes suddenly at odds. Through the viewpoints of the Turtles' human buddies April O'Neil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Casey Jones (Chris Evans), the audience learns the primary cause. The brothers' rat-sensei Splinter (Mako, in one of his last roles) sent Leonardo to South America to hone his ninja skills. Whatever Splinter's motives, the result is that the other three become somewhat divided by the departure of the oldest brother, who had always been the de facto leader. Donatello and Michelangelo both get mundane jobs that don't involve revealing their turtle-tude. Raphael, always the angriest and least patient of the quartet, secretly dons an armored costume and becomes a solo vigilante, taking out his rage on the criminal element. April is so concerned at her friends' fragmentation that she journeys to South America to talk Leonardo into returning. But Leonardo, who may be going through a crisis of self-confidence (Munroe never clarifies this), refuses.

But Raphael is right to keep patrolling the streets, for a new menace is at hand. Businessman Max Winters (Patrick Stewart), who is actually an ancient general cursed with immortality, has a plan to get rid of his ageless nature and to live a normal life. Problem is, his plan involves opening the same dimensional portal that bestowed immortality on him, and the first time the portal opened, it unleashed on Earth thirteen monsters, which I *think* have just been hidden away in remote places, like Bigfoot. The menace also involves four of Winters' contemporaries who got turned into stone statues, whom Winters re-animates, However, the generals then form their own agenda, as does Karai (Zhang Ziyi), leader of a faction of the Foot Clan. (For some reason the film is cagey about Karai being the adoptive daughter of Shredder, as she is in most iterations, but perhaps Munroe hoped to do a Big Reveal in a sequel.)

Munroe's save-our-dimension plot is overly complicated, but it's mostly backdrop for sorting out the ennui plaguing the ninja crusaders. Leonardo does return to New York of course. And when he does, he finds that in addition to coping with the new threat, he must seek to bring Raphael's animus under control. The duel-between-brothers is the film's highlight, more impressive for its emotional tenor than for the actual animation of the fight-scene. I particularly like the fact that Munroe does not try to psychologize Raphael's anger. It just exists, an elemental part of his nature that he has to rein in for his survival and that of his siblings.

Once the Turtles do band together against their enemies, the film remains enjoyable but only a little better than average. One minor asset is that April, usually a side-liner in the action scenes, actually "gets her ninja on" and performs a few swordplay moves-- her ninja-gear all yellow, like her jumpsuit from the eighties cartoon. Kevin Munroe voiced possible plans for another animated movie but fate and Nickolodeon had other plans. Still, TMNT remains an above-average effort with a property that seems fairly resistant to innovation.

GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS (2000)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *drama*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *psychological, cosmological*

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself"-- Nietzsche


These two Japanese productions, though separated by ten years and belonging to different SF-subgenres, are essentially one in terms of their theme about obsession.

Though the Big G is the main star of MEGAGUIRUS, his real foe is not so much the giant insect-queen from another dimension, but a mere female human, Kiriko, also a member of Japan's Self Defense Force.  Kiriko, in the tradition of obsessed heroes in all genres, nurses a deep hatred for Godzilla, who during one of his last rampages killed her former commanding officer.  However, since 1996, the year of the monster's last attack, Japan has officially put the kibosh on all nuclear-oriented operations, since atomic energy attracts Godzilla like a flame attracts moths. 

Nevertheless, a new project receives governmental approval, one that uses a similar technology, "plasma energy," to create miniature black holes.  The government knows that the plasma-energy will attract Godzilla once more, but they're willing to twist the bear's tail in the belief that they can kill the bear when it comes into reach.

In keeping with frequent series-themes about the abuse of technology, Japan's new black-hole technology creates more problems than it solves, and one of them is an alien dragonfly that slips into Earth-space from another dimension, during a test run of the tech.  While Kiriko and her allies-- her fellow soldiers and a comic inventor who's not very funny-- prepare for Godzilla's inevitable advent, the dragonfly begins to lay eggs.  These produce giant wasp-like creatures, later termed "Meganula."

When Godzilla comes ashore, attracted by the plasma-flame, the Meganula happen to enter the picture, also attracted by the high energy.  The swarm of big insects compromise the Defense Force's attempt to blast Godzilla into another dimension.  When the bugs bug the Big G, he incinerates several of them with his atomic breath.  However, some of the surviving the Meganula manage to feed off Godzilla's powers during their attack.  They fly away and create a new monstrosity with Godzilla's king-sized dimensions, the titular Megaguirus.

The clashes between the big lizard and the big bug are decent, but they have less emotional impact than Kiriko, who "reaps the whirlwind" when she gets her wish about having the chance to tilt with Godzilla again, and sees the cost of the many human beings destroyed by the monstrous rampage-- though in actuality, MEGAGUIRUS does not show this extensive suffering, doubtless to keep the monster-mash from seeming too oppressive.  Further, she learns that one of the politicians engineered the whole megilla in order to make profits from the forbidden technology.  Even after she registers her disapproval by punching the official out, it's implied that she shares some of his guilt.

Though the monster-brawl is at best average, Kiriko's strong personality makes up for a lot. One of the film's highlights shows her climbing onto Godzilla's scales as he swims through the ocean, in order to place a tracking-device on him.  This was director Masaaki Tezuka's first Godzilla film, followed later by two more, both better on the action but still strong with the characterization elements, GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA (2002) and GODZILLA TOKYO SOS (2003).  The score of MEGAGUIRUS manages to emulate the pioneering work of Akira Ifukube and bring its own individual touches to the table.

SEASON OF THE WITCH (2011)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*

FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*

CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *sociological, metaphysical*

SEASON OF THE WITCH has one strike against it as soon as one reads its title.  A modern-era Donovan song simply doesn't convey much about the content about an adventure involving 14th-century knights and their quest to deliver an allegedly possessed girl to a secluded abbey for de-demonizing.

Direction by Dominique Sena is no better or worse than his SWORDFISH or his previous film with star Nicholas Cage, GONE IN 60 SECONDS.  The central problem is Bragi Schut's script, which tries to posit the travails of two knights, Behmen (Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman), as they try to deal with the way their faithful services have been abused by a domineering church.  Behmen is sincerely sick of war, and encourages Felson to desert the Crusades, but this brings them into conflict with their own people.  As it happens the Church needs a couple of good men to risk their lives in a special mission.  They suspect that a nameless girl (Clair Foy) has been possessed by a demon, but the only way to exorcise her is to transport her to a particular abbey, where a sacred book contains the needed spell of exorcism.

The script includes some potentially strong elements, but fails to exploit them to their utmost.  Cage's Behmen sometimes conveys strong conflict between his desire to serve the abstract good of his church, and his realization that the church uses the military for ignominous goals-- particularly in the torturing and execution of women accused of witchcraft.  His partner Felson is more cynical, but follows Behmen's lead out of loyalty.  However, both men tacitly believe that there are such things as witches and demons whom the church must oppose, and the film essentially endorses this point of view by making it clear, in an introductory sequence, that demons are a real presence in this world.

Schut and Sena might have realized more dramatic tension without this sequence.  Had viewers seen only the grueling wagon-ride to the abbey, they would have been obliged to make up their own minds: is the girl prisoner really possessed, or is she the victim of primitive superstition?  In the concluding scenes the filmmakers somewhat manage to have their cake and eat it too, but the sociological motifs of the film-- arguing the mistreatment of women in European medieval society-- seem at odds with the sloppy metaphysics.  The demon-- and yes, there is one-- has insinuated himself into this trek in order to destroy the sacred book, thus arguing that the Christian Church has the straight goods on how to destroy demons, if not the right to persecute every woman who croons over a cookpot. 

A more skillful film than SEASON might have been able to combine the critique of "inner horror"-- the evil that men do-- with "outer horror," a more abstract form of evil not confined to human beings.  But all one can say of this film is that there are some good battles and decent CGI.  The rest is wasted potential.

DRAGONBALL Z: THE WORLD'S STRONGEST (1990)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *cosmological, metaphysical*

Now WORLD'S STRONGEST is much more in keeping with the thrills and minor chuckles I expect from a DRAGONBALL installment, far superior to the wimpy DEAD ZONE. 

As in ZONE, the only purpose of the Dragonball schtick is to allow the villains to set up their nefarious plans, and the villains here are original to the cartoon, having no continuity with the cartoon show. Rogue scientist Kochin obtains the seven Dragonballs and wishes for the immortal dragon to uncover Kochin's avalanche-buried master Doctor Wheelo, also a renegade scientist. It will later be revealed that Wheelo's original human body was destroyed and that he was a "brain in a robot body" at the time of his burial. I guess Kochin, having only one wish, couldn't very well restore Wheelo's humanity, because then he still would have buried, and so...

Anyway, Wheelo's got the perfect solution for getting a new body. In a future world full of superb martial artists, how hard could it be to abduct "the world's strongest" fighter and do the old brain-transfer thing?

Two good guys happen to be on the scene for Wheelo's resurrection: Gohan, son of main hero Goku, and one of the show's comedy relief characters, talking pig-humanoid Oolong. In fact, Oolong, while not present in all iterations, adds a lot of comic diversion from what is essentially a simple plot: stop the mad scientist from stealing the hero's body. Gohan and Oolong try to alert Goku, but for some reason Wheelo and Kochin make their first choice in Master Roshi, who's not exactly in the prime of life. The evil madmen use their inventive "bio-men" to capture Roshi and Goku's other friend Bulma, and Goku travels to the villain's arctic redoubt to effect a rescue.

Though the animation remains at the level of the ongoing TV show, the fights are better arranged than in DEAD ZONE, and Goku even unleashes his "spirit bomb" technique from the teleseries. It's even better than the script allows Goku a handful of "Jackie Chan scenes," in which he's made to look silly before he turns things around and kicks cosmic butt. Wheelo's a good one-shot villain but I'm glad he never got a revival anywhere else. Piccolo's in the film too but he's still a hardass at this point, though at some point he becomes a martial mentor to young Gohan.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES (2011)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *poor*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*

CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTION: *psychological*

By the time Disney made the third PIRATES sequel, I'd become pretty sick of the support-cast provided by the characters essayed by Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley.  I thought that the idea of a film focused on Captain Jack Sparrow would prove an immense improvement.

I was, sadly, wrong.

To be sure, ON STRANGER TIDES isn't bad because it doesn't have those two support-characters, but because it doesn't bother to dream up new ones.  Sparrow's eccentric crewmen barely get any screen-time, aside from simply taking up space in the background.  His villains-- the infamous Blackbeard, seeking the Fountain of Youth, and his scheming daughter Angelica-- are new.  But whereas the villains of earlier installments became so involved, so baroque, that one often lost track of their motivations, Blackbeard and Angelica are predictable and boring villains.

In addition, TIDES's budget no longer allows for any of the meaningless but kinetically-dazzling sequences, like Sparrow in limbo, having conversations with other versions of himself.  Johnny Depp does an adequate job with the script he's given, but he seems pretty uninspired.  Penelope Cruz may be one of those actors who does her best work in her own language and ends up seeming entirely vapid in any other films.

The best thing about TIDES is that it may put an end to the series at last. 

THE LOST EMPIRE (1984)

 

PHENOMENALITY: *marvelous*
MYTHICITY: *fair*
FRYEAN MYTHOS: *adventure*
CAMPBELLIAN FUNCTIONS: *sociological*

In my review of DEATHSTALKER II I wrote this of director Jim Wynorski:

Along with 1984's THE LOST EMPIRE, this sequel to 1983's DEATHSTALKER are the only movies from writer-director Jim Wynorski that I found diverting. Like his mentor Roger Corman, Wynorski had the ability to inject some fair humor into movies whose main appeal was T&A, but like Corman, Wynorski often neglected quality in favor of quantity.

I've thought about reviewing EMPIRE for some time now, but I couldn't seem to get a handle on it. The film is a tongue-in-cheek adventure in which three gorgeous babes journey to an island full of other women joining an evil mystic cult. In contrast to most T&A films, EMPIRE's heroines are all tough girls skilled with weapons and in hand-to-hand combat, whose dialogue alternates between imitations of hard-bitten Clint Eastwood lines and spacey pop culture quotes. Inquiring minds want to know: if the gorgeous babes can kick the butts of all the guys they meet, are they being exploited? Is the power of the male gaze really greater than the power of the female foot in the nads?

Quick summary of the nearly nugatory plot: policewoman Angel Wolfe (Melanie VIncz) learns that her beloved brother was killed by gem thieves looking for a jewel reputed to hold magical powers. The thieves' boss turns out to be the mysterious Doctor Sin Do (Angus Scrimm of PHANTASM fame), who maintains a cult on a remote island. Doctor Do is always open to more nubile young females joining his cult, but for some reason, he only allows them to apply in groups of three. So Awesome Angel recruits two other hotties to join her in her quest for vengeance, and they both put off washing their hair that night to help a girl out. One ally is Whitestar (Raven de la Croix), an Amerindian heroine who just wants to have fun. The other is Heather (Angela Aames), currently serving time in the kind of women's prison where the guards let the prisoners settle their quarrels with splashy catfights. (Heather gets a fairly lengthy fight with prisoner Whiplash, played by Angelique Pettyjohn of STAR TREK fame.) Although Angel was the cop who arrested Heather, she's able to arrange Heather's release within an hour or so to help out the investigation.

So once the girls are on the island there are various small altercations with the lustful guards while they try to figure out Sin Do's game. Their masquerade is ruined when Angel's FBI boyfriend Rick infiltrates the island too, and the girls have to come to his rescue, getting the other girl cultists to join them in fighting the bad guys. Angel finds out that Doctor Do, by stealing the gem, is able to match it with its mate and summon magical powers. Angel manages to vanquish him anyway and all the good people escape the island before it explodes.

I only give EMPIRE a fair mythicity rating for excelling CHARLIE'S ANGELS (the TV show) in combining sexploitation with feminine empowerment, at least in a humorous fashion. (Actually EMPIRE could also be a forerunner to the more spectacular charms of the two CHARLIE'S ANGELS feature films.)  Mentioning the director's tongue-in-cheek attitude ties into my insight that the only two things he's good at are depicting sexy women and making dopey jokes. EMPIRE is better in its depiction of sexy girls, while all the jokes are lame. (He even resorts to the old standard, "How would you like a bust in the mouth" with the expected pun.) In contrast, DEATHSTALKER II doesn't have nearly as many hot babe characters but some of the jokes are genuinely funny. None of the actresses can really fake-fight, but they look sexy doing their punches and karate chops, and Wynorski supplies many such scenes for those that like them. 

HONOR ROLL #194

 I'm glad that the one-movie "empire" ruled by ANGELA AAMES, RAVEN DE LA CROIX and MELANIE VINCZ didn't get "lost."

Take a pirate cruise with PENELOPE CRUZ.

"Wheelin' down the river" with DOCTOR WHEELO.

"Must be the season of CLAIR FOY..."

MEGAGUIRUS, the Godzilla-foe who made the Mutos look good.

APRIL O'NEIL gets her ninja 'tude on.